As of late...

It's been a really long time since I've posted anything to this blog and there's a reason. I feel like I'm finally able to post this after really thinking and reflecting. So often we are told to not air "dirty laundry" and whatever you post about yourself should be your best self, well I'm going to have to call that out. Are we really supposed to handle everything internally?

For years I had a group of girl friends that from the surface seemed to be really close, as I got older and lets just say it, "shit got real" I started to realize I was kept around more to have a good time than anything else. This past year and a half has been one of the hardest years that I've faced as an adult.Though they wouldn't know that. I think people are complacent with the Facebook side of my family and any disruption seems to throw off that picture they have. Most of these friends don't know what is or has been going on. Some do, but aren't around. And yes I say that it is more surface level but I can't really fault them, we are all dealing with something, right? But I feel like as I get older I need more depth. When I have had friends going through tough times I would reach out and ask to hang out with them, take them to happy hour, or just be there for them. I can say that the same hasn't happened on my end.

Most days I am just trying to live life on the surface, not thinking about the gargantuan elephant in my house, that has been slowly growing for the past 5 years and if you do the math, half my marriage has been closer to surface level. Maybe it was a age thing, maybe the two of us have actually changed THAT much, but what I can say is this seems like a lot longer than a "dry spell." Whatever the case things could be a lot better. And the hardest part for me is that I don't have my friends surrounding me and lifting me up.

I don't write all of this to say, poor me and to play the victim, because I can assure you I can push through on my own strong, however it has been brought to my attention several times that I come across stronger than I probably am. I don't want to completely give the vibe that I don't need a tribe or village to help me through, most days this is true... But there are times where I need someone in my corner or to treat me like Savannah the hurting friend who just needs an ear and shoulder to cry on, and not Savannah the wife, mom, sister, lending ear etc. I don't always feel strong enough to push through and won't I usually ask for help based on past experiences. Luckily, I am Savannah the Mom, and that keeps me realistic, rational, and helps me keep a more positive attitude.

At the end of the day adulting is hard. I have faith that I will find my tribe, those like me, for now Keep Calm, Stay Strong and Push Through.